The small stuff

I hate being on the computer because my job consists of being in front of one all day, so the only reason I'm able to do this is that I have an iPod.  Plus, my goal is really to put myself to sleep (maybe it will work on you too!). But god, this stupid thing just puts my hands to sleep.  How do these kids text all the time?

A person I admire quite a bit told me to not sweat the small stuff.  That's excellent advice, but it was sort of irrelevant to how I'm feeling.  I wanted to reply "but it's that the small stuff must exist at all, most of it only to be thrown in the trash after a few hours."

Most brides care about the type of flowers, decorations on the cake, even bullshit like table linens.  I do not.  In fact, the excessive conspicuous consumption makes me ill.  But when everyone I ever see asks me "how is wedding planning going" everytime I see them for the entire two years of my engagement, I have to pretend to, because I cannot sit there and explain to them how I am a freak of wedding planning.  It's not like I don't have opinions.  I just don't really care about rendering them, especially when it means it's that much less money I have to finish my basement, or furnish my front room that has had nothing but a table, a chair a rabbit, a fireplace and occasionally a Christmas tree in it for the 3 years since we bought our house (it's not usable like that, except for the rabbit, and she does not deserve her own room).  

I am actually a creative and crafty person.  But I guess I'm kind of driven by usefulness and end results.  Like, it took me 2 years to finish all the window treatments in my house the way I wanted them (all handmade).  And I love them, but I didn't love the process.  Sometimes I liked it, sometimes it was horrible.  But it was gradual, inexpensive (relatively) and not a big deal to anyone but me.  And I will reap the benefits for as long as I own this place, a much longer time period than making them took.

I don't know what it is about a wedding, but I have never looked forward to the end result (except the being married part, but more rants about how I don't equate marriage with a wedding later). The details just seem moot.  They are in no way about "us," especially when my fiancé couldn't care less, and when I have to consider those that neither of us care about, I end up letting impatience take over.  When decisions are easy and straightforward, fine, I can get that done in a jiff.  But the complicated ones and the ones where I need to make sure the whole thing doesn't look pathetic and end up boring everyone...godammit I wanted to elope and just have a big casual party in a firehall, with not a flower or centerpiece in site.  No fussy, forced formality.  No ridiculous family drama that disgusts me and lowers my respect for my loved ones.  No feeling very, very alone in not only dealing with all the pressures on me, but of no one sympathizing.  No feeling like no one is happy or cares about any of this...